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"I knew I shouldnapos;t have let you take him" Meg screamed.
"Oh come on You know you canapos;t blame this all on me, there is NO�way that this is all my fault. Iapos;m sure what you did to him wasnapos;t very helpful" Kara retorted.
I sat there, listening only half to what the two women were saying to each other. I felt hollow inside. Empty. Something that I knew was not natural. There was a burn in my chest, and yet, I knew the pain wasnapos;t real. As I laid slumped over in my seat, I thought over what had happened. It all seemed like a blur.
"YOU YOU YOU�ARE�SUCH�A-" Meg continued.
"Such a what?" Kara shot back, "Such a beast? A fiend? Or do you really mean such a friend?".
It was stupid that they were arguing over me like I was some kind of toy that they were forced to share. It was unfortunate that they were only at each otherrsquo;s throats because both thought my current mental state was the otherapos;s fault. I shivered involuntarily as they both took swings at each other. Could they not possibly sort out their own issues later? I couldnapos;t stand to hear them yell at each other knowing that I was the only reason that they even knew each other. I tried to tell them to stop, but all that came out of my mouth was a small whisper of a whine. That scared me more than anything else that had happened so far. Normally, I just took what happened around me and let my mind deal with it. But this, this seemed to go deeper. It was like what had happened earlier had affected every cell within my existence. My voice was gone, I tried to move my arm and found that my reactions were slower too. It made me want to cry. But I hadnapos;t cried in years. I had found that I no longer had that ability a long time ago. But what made this whole experience any different was that usually I could just take what had happened and find some sort of explanation to show how it wasnapos;t my fault. But, that was not possible this time. She had quite clearly said it was my fault. She had given me every reason why it was. I had thought that I would be strong enough to take the hits, but I had no idea it would be this painful.
"I canapos;t believe that you allowed him to go do this to himself He was supposed to stay with you; you werenapos;t supposed to let him out of your sight" Meg said hysterically.

ldquo;Well I didnrsquo;t think that she would be there, it wasnrsquo;t my fault that she was around You have to understand, if it wasnrsquo;t for her, Ben would still be the man that we both loved to be aroundhellip;rdquo; Kara trailed off.

Normally, now would be the time that I would jump in and stop this conversation from going any further. They both knew how much I hated to listen to them talk about me. Or rather, what used to be me. I had changed so much in the recent months, or at least thatrsquo;s what they told me. I hadnrsquo;t noticed too much. But I knew, for a fact, that I had wanted the changes that had happened. I couldnrsquo;t help but feel that they did not know this fact. How many times had I just sat there and hoped that they would stop soon. If I could have done something, I would have. I tried to show them, with my eyes, the truth that I had tried to hide from them for so long. But as I tried to lift up my head, I found that it was as impossible as everything else that I had previously tried to do. Another shiver ran through my body, I expected that soon, the two women would see it, and ask me what was wrong, but no matter how shiver I felt, it seemed like they saw none.

ldquo;Look, what matter now, is that we help Ben out as much as we canrdquo; Kara picked back up.

Meg nodded and saw what Kara was doing, ldquo;yeah, I know yoursquo;re right, we need to make sure that he wonrsquo;t do anything too rash.rdquo;

They must be done arguing. That made me feel better, or at least it should have, but the empty void that I felt inside of me just seemed to consume more and more. I tried to take a breath after realizing that I had not taken one in quite some time, and found myself choking to continue to live. It wasnrsquo;t just my mind that couldnrsquo;t function without her around, it was my entire being. I suddenly knew just how much I had loved her. She had done so much around me that I couldnrsquo;t look around without seeing some sort of trace of her. I tried to laugh, but all that came out was a rasp of air. How sad was it that I had finally let my guard down for someone that I had thought was perfect for me, and that was what drove her away. I found the humor in the irony that was facing me. Of all the women that I had spent time around, it was her that would finally make me put down my defenses. What had been the goal of many was the downfall for me in the end. I couldnrsquo;t express my feelings for her in any way that would make- sense? Was that the word that I was looking for? I had tried so many times to just write out what I had been feeling, and yet, here I stood, or rather sat, knowing just how to put it. I was willing to do whatever it took make her happy and sacrifice my own needs, just for her. But that was what made the whole thing so sad; she had felt guilty about me never doing anything for myself. She knew that I was willing to do anything for her, and that upset her. She had taken advantage of me so many times, she felt like it wasnrsquo;t right. But I had gotten so much joy out of being a toolhellip; Was it right that she could take away my joy that easily? I knew the answer for that as well, yes. If she felt like that was the right thing for her to do for herself then that was fine. As long as she is happy. For so many years that had been my mantra; how many times had I sat next to her, and done nothing more than watch her be happy, knowing that I had been only a small part of it. As long as she is happy. The words now tore me apart. They brought back so many memories with each memory came yet another pang of sorrow and pain.

ldquo;Ben?rdquo; Meg whispered softly, ldquo;How are you doing?rdquo;

I felt a hand wrap around mine and knew that Kara had come down next to me and was trying to help me feel better. But even the hand brought up memories that I could not suppress. Her hand had fit so perfectly in my own. This other object that was now entwined with my hand was not meant to be there. More pain, more sorrow. But now, it was different, perhaps, my body was doing what it was best at; perhaps it was healing. I knew how fast I had healed from bodily injuries, but I had never expected me to be able to heal mentally. The pain that surrounded me became more familiar. It was a pain that was constant, and like many other times that I had been hurt, I could slowly learn to live with this pain. I had a feeling that I could become best of friends with this. It was a reminder of two things: I should never let my guard down again, and I would never forget her. I no longer thought of the pain as an enemy, I found it much more of a keepsake of the many years that I had spent with her.

ldquo;Ben?rdquo; Megrsquo;s voice wavered as she spoke.

ldquo;Let me tryhellip;rdquo; Kara said, as she relieved Meg of her attempt, ldquo;Ben, we need to know, is there anything we can do for you? Anything we can do to make you feel better about this whole experience?rdquo;

The pain was gone, and I attempted to move my arm again, and found that it moved with a certain amount of speed and dexterity that had not been previously present. I looked up at the two of them, and knew that no matter what their intentions were, they would never know how much better I felt now. I could live with this pain. I actually wanted the pain to stay around; it was now a part of me. To ask it to go away would be like asking myself to forget the greater part of the last six years.

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