One week and a habit is not done and I am proud of myself. I thought it was a stupid thing to do but I couldnapos;t not do it. But I have been rebuilding walls and it has helped. But I am "happy" but itapos;s a step and a slow process.
week at school was stressful this week sucked emotionally because my dog died and other things that I need to control but itapos;s totally not easy. Thank goodness school is distracting from many things, but I hate the weekends. I tried not to retreat to alcohol last night....oops had a shot or two dono cause didnapos;t use shot glass. I just couldnapos;t deal with no distraction (aka school work) and I canapos;t lock myself inside my room reading manga and watching anime to hide from the real world or Iapos;ll be completely antisocial, and I do not want that. But tonight that is the plan. HOMEWORK
it sucks even though I the reason everything is falling apart, I am not the reason my dog is no longer alive. I feel like I cannot hold on to anything. That everything is slipping through my fingers and the only thing I can hold on to is school and my good friends Marc-Adam and Melissa my roommate.
god I hate myself.
I think about him all the time, and how badly I want to talk to him. But I will give him anything ANYthING so I can one day be a really good friend to him.
the cold feels good
while I sit in my spot
I look at the stares
and try to fix myself
I feel like I am unimportant anymore even though my good friend tells me I am...
why do I always destroy everything? I never want to...but I do.
I went to some one (not good friend...anymore) for advise about a bad habit. I really donapos;t think he cares about how I feel which sucks and now I avoid him or he avoids me which sucks but whatever. ThE POINT IS. I think I am going to take his advice and find a therapist. If you know me, you would know I HATE the idea of going to talk to a shrink. I donapos;t know them and I like to fix things myself, but I think I do need help.
I donapos;t want to tell my parents or anyone, but my parents do need to know since they are the people in charge with money, but I have been good at keeping them in the dark about MANY things.
When I truly need to talk to someone, the only person I want to talk to or see other than my cat is HIM, and I canapos;t call him because I hurt him too much to ask for help.
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